Control

The moment I am
Out of control,
Is the moment I begin
To feel hopelessly lost.
It's like falling
In the dark,
When I can't hear anything;
Can't feel anything
Until I crash to the bottom,
And realize what I've done;
Realize the damage I caused;
Realize how much harder
I will have to work
To fix things this time.

Three Whole Years

For three whole years,
I have known you.
And for three whole years,
I've liked you.
For three whole years
You've done nothing
To try and win me over.

Now, another boy is
Paying me attention.
I told you about him,
To judge your reaction.
You used to like me,
But is the attraction
Still mutual?

For three whole years,
I've eaten almost nothing.
For three whole years,
I've wanted you to notice.
For three whole years,
You never mentioned it,
Except for the time I fainted.

How long will it take
For you to love me?
How long will it take
Before we stop being "just friends?"
How long will it take
For you to notice
That I starve myself for you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a poem inspired by a friend of mine. She has had a lot of boy drama in her recent life, but the whole time, she has liked one guy in particular. She did not develop her eating disorder because of him, but she wants him to notice, because she wants him to show, in some way, that he cares about her.

Dinner

I push food around on my plate,
And bury it in the trash
When no one is looking my way.
I hope the more I reject dinner,
My body will grow more thin, and thinner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is not only a regular occurrence for me, but for a lot of boys and girls out there, I am sure. I actually feed my food to our dog, (especially when its my turn to feed her,) because I don't like wasting food, even if I'm not going to eat it. Can anyone else relate to this experience?

Pretty

If I try harder,
Will I have the strength?
If I stop eating,
Can I have a clean slate?
If I run faster,
Can I go the whole length?
Can I be pretty,
Just for that one date?

All I Want

I let you
Begin to change my mind.
I started to
Leave my skinny ways behind.
It's been a few
Days since I chose to find
Out how much
Your lies added to me,
Or how far
That poison had gone through me.
I won't let myself fall again -
Not when all I want is to be thin.

Weeks

My hollow arms
Pull the coffee to my lips.
Today was the start of
My second week without food.
Oh, this isn't the first time
I have done this.

No, I've lost track
Of how many times
I have sworn
Never to eat again.
I always manage to at least
Match my record.
Sometimes, I even
Beat myself by a day or two.

Its a very slow progression.
First, I was proud of 2 days,
Then 4; a week; two.
How many weeks will it take
Before I am perfect?

~~~~~~~~~~~

Welcome to my stream of consciousness. Welcome to my thoughts.