Autumn Leaves

I'm at a place right now,
That I have been but once before.
I'm burdened with these failures
That weigh me down like no others.

Time after time I have realized that
I am sitting with empty packages
Littered around me
Just like autumn leaves.

Each day I've promised myself
That I would never eat again
Until I become perfectly thin.
But every time,
Circumstances prevented my efforts.

I look at myself.
I have become grotesquely huge,
And I know I am not imagining this.
I am just afraid that I will fail once more
If I try to lose the weight again.

Broken Dreams

As I come to my senses again,
Broken dreams lie stagnant
At the bottom of a toilet bowl.
I can barely see them anymore
Because my eyes start watering,
And my nose keeps running
Each time the toothbrush handle
And my throat make contact.

Acceptable

I will paint my face

To hide my imperfections,

Then fast all day

To erase others.

I will run for miles

For physical correction,

Because size zero

Is all that's pretty anymore.

If I slip,

I'll run a little harder.

If I fall,

I'll starve a little longer.

If I stay down,

I'll paint a little better,

Because imperfect

Just isn't acceptable.

No One

You tell me no one's perfect,
But I challenge that.
I will be perfectly skinny;
Perfectly pretty;
Perfectly empty.
I will be perfect,
Or die trying.
So if no one can be perfect,
I am content with
Being no one.

Control

The moment I am
Out of control,
Is the moment I begin
To feel hopelessly lost.
It's like falling
In the dark,
When I can't hear anything;
Can't feel anything
Until I crash to the bottom,
And realize what I've done;
Realize the damage I caused;
Realize how much harder
I will have to work
To fix things this time.

Three Whole Years

For three whole years,
I have known you.
And for three whole years,
I've liked you.
For three whole years
You've done nothing
To try and win me over.

Now, another boy is
Paying me attention.
I told you about him,
To judge your reaction.
You used to like me,
But is the attraction
Still mutual?

For three whole years,
I've eaten almost nothing.
For three whole years,
I've wanted you to notice.
For three whole years,
You never mentioned it,
Except for the time I fainted.

How long will it take
For you to love me?
How long will it take
Before we stop being "just friends?"
How long will it take
For you to notice
That I starve myself for you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a poem inspired by a friend of mine. She has had a lot of boy drama in her recent life, but the whole time, she has liked one guy in particular. She did not develop her eating disorder because of him, but she wants him to notice, because she wants him to show, in some way, that he cares about her.

Dinner

I push food around on my plate,
And bury it in the trash
When no one is looking my way.
I hope the more I reject dinner,
My body will grow more thin, and thinner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is not only a regular occurrence for me, but for a lot of boys and girls out there, I am sure. I actually feed my food to our dog, (especially when its my turn to feed her,) because I don't like wasting food, even if I'm not going to eat it. Can anyone else relate to this experience?